After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You Might Also Like
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Britain be like
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Think I pulled my liver
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.