Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
😅🤣😂
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
only 11 steps left
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”