Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
🐕🍷
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years