“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus