“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
pictures of spider-man
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate