All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?