Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
You Might Also Like
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
live, laugh, laundry.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.