“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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and this one
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Meme Monday.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …