Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”