ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Otters see a butterfly.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go