If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.