Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.