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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised