*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
doing some research
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
How do you milk an almond?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very