Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.