My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
It be like that sometimes 😆
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way