A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.