Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.