St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February