Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Godspeed, John Glenn
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb