The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.