My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”