*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
mechanics be like
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…