I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.