I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
You Might Also Like
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
#NeverForget
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.