In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
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Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Okey dokey.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster