my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
how was your vacation
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her