Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that