Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth