[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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Happy weekend !
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?