I really had high hopes for this year though
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Peace was never an option
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.