Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?