I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Sunday
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater