Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
incredible text to wake up to
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.