The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A flock of dads is called a grill.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
😂😂😂
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
All generalizations are stupid.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.