I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Oceanography is all about current events
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for