Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes