[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Seems kinda suspicious
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
School be like
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else