I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“Wait, let me explain..”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance