Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
God has left this place
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…