If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.