To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..