All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.