Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
X-tra spooky blend
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
mmm onion ringos
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.