Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.