Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
me: my friends:
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.