I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.