I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops