You Might Also Like
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
True?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
and this one
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.