Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
In space, no one can hear…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.